sadie_cocopuff | (no subject)

ok now i have to have a minor nervous breakdown...my granddad was apparently diagnosed with congestive heart failure two years ago and nobody ever told me. i knew about the skin cancer, the bladder cancer, the alzheimers, but not this. theyjust put him on oxygen, but i thought it was for walking pneumonia. my mom just had a long conversation with my aunt, and it's to the point they're about to ask about hospice care. could be weeks, could be months. and i had no idea. i mean i knew he wasn't *healthy*, but i didn't know he was dying! and i'm so scared. not about how i'm gonna feel, but about how other people are gonna feel. if that makes any sense. like when jonathan died, i barely knew him, but i cried all day for everybody that did. i don't know why showing emotion makes me uncomfortable...maybe i feel guilty because i hate to show grief. i mean, usually by the time somebody dies i've already come to grips with it and other people's death doesn't really scare me because they're going to heaven. i don't believe in hell. there's nothing to fear from death, only the sadness of the people left behind, and that's what scares me because i don't know how to comfort them because either i'm not feeling what they're feeling or i'm hiding it from myself so well i'll never know. and everybody attributes their feelings to me, so they want to comfort me for things i'm not feeling and it just makes me acutely uncomfortable. when my mom hung up (we were in the car) i just flat out asked her basically how long, and she said there's no way to predict. i hope it's not before christmas. that's his birthday. i think he should make it to 85. anyway, i just had to get that all out...at least now i know and i'll be ready.